Fwd: (funny)

Only in America

2005-11-09T23:18:00.000-05:00

ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke!

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

EVER WONDER .

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Fwd: they are so bad you have to laugh

2005-11-04T12:14:00.000-05:00

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams
back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the
lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and
demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery
day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them
up."
The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are
freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm
them up."
He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the
buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it
up."
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My
penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she
says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't
they?"

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: quote of the year

2005-10-30T00:30:00.000-04:00

Chris Rock's "Quote of the Year"...

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of
arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon."

Need I say more?"

Chris Rock's "Quote of the Year"...

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of
arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon."

Need I say more?"

----- End forwarded message -----

Fw: PERKS OF BEING OVER 50!

2005-10-23T18:02:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

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2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

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3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

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4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

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5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

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6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

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7. Things you buy now likely won't wear out.

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8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm, if you want to.

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9. You can almost live without sex, but not your glasses.

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10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

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11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

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12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

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13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

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14. You sometimes sing along with elevator music.

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15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

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16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

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17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

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18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.

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19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

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20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

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[Also, you're at least half-way to finding out whether or not there's life after
death! ]

----- End forwarded message -----

Fw: Making people happy

2005-10-22T11:31:00.000-04:00

George Bush, Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.

The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make
somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be out done, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $10.00 bills out the window and make a hundred
people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Listen to those big shots back there....hell, I could throw all of them out the window and make
56 million people very happy."

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.

The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles and says, "You know, I could
throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make
somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00 bills out
the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be out done, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course then, I could
throw one-hundred $10.00 bills out the window and make a hundred
people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Listen to those big shots
back there....hell, I could throw all of them out the window and make
56 million people very happy."

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Outsourcing, anyone?? WHAT an idea!

2005-10-13T19:25:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of
America will be outsourced to overseas interests as of December 31st. The move
is being made to save not only a significant portion of the President's
$400,000.00 yearly salary, but also a record $521 billion in deficit
expenditures and related overhead. "We believe this is a wise move financially.
The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds
(R-Wash.). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accountability Office, has
studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively."We cannot expect to remain
competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds
noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for
the job move have been underway for some time. Gurvinder Singh of Indus
Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of
January 1st. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents
were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position.
He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or
other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without support staff. Due to the time difference between the
US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US
Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the
American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am
excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President some day."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware
of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a
problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using this tree, he can address common
concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know
these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Mr. Bush has used them
successfully for years."

Mr. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day
of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for
$240 dollars a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be
eligible for Medicaid as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed
limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the out placement services of Manpower, Inc. to help
him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to
Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to
limited practical work experience. One possibility is re-enlistment in the Air
National Guard. Should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in
Iraq,a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated
Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the
Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr.
Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be
provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate
welcome.

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Bath tub test

2005-10-13T19:21:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded

Bath tub test....

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to
time. This

little test should get you started:

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what

the criteria is that defines whether a patient should be

institutionalized or not.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then
we

offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask
the

patient to empty the water out of the tub."

Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
choose the bucket since it is larger
than the teacup or spoon."

"No," answered the Director "A normal person would pull out the
stopper."

So how did you do?

I've been committed - have a good day!

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: jokes and a thought.

2005-10-11T06:58:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message

I actively dislike Jay Leno, but he does have some good writers. Evidence:
"If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say things are going very well, and
we were stopping for some ice."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to
the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?"
The driver said, - "Well that depends - You buyin'?"
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----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Naked man and elephant..

2005-10-11T06:57:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message from

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man
standing
in a clearing.

The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says,

"How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Cruise Ship Diary

2005-10-05T18:55:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship.
I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm
really excited.

______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY ... DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and
we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful
vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain
today and he seems like a very nice man.
____________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some
shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the
deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his
table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a
wonderful time. He is a very attractive and
attentive gentleman.
____________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about
$80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him
in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete
with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the
night but I declined. I told him there was no way I
could be unfaithful to my husband.
____________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY .... DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little
sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and
spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me
and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a
charming gentleman He again asked me to visit him
for the night and again I declined. He told me that if
I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink
the ship. I was appalled.
___________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Jokes

2005-10-03T18:53:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message

The high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save money they had
to share rooms. No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so
loudly. They decided it wasnt fair to make one of them stay with him the
whole time, so they voted to take turns. Ernie slept with Daryl the first
night and came to breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, eyes all
bloodshot.

The others asked, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched him all night."

The next night it was Jeff's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all
standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The others wondered, "Man, what happened
to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football-player-looking type of man's man. Next morning, he came to
breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning."

They couldn't believe it! They queried, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and
kissed him good night. He watched me all night long."

*** *** ***

Friendship among women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she
slept over at a friends' house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them know about it.

Friendship among men:
A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept
over at a friends' house. The woman calls her husbands' 10 best friends. 8
of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: PUBLIC SERVICE WARNING

2005-10-03T18:49:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message

No vaccine yet. possibly by 2008.

Subject: PUBLIC SERVICE WARNING

The Disease Control Center has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of
Sexually Transmitted Disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous and
high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna
reelect him"). Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for
the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from
this especially troublesome disease.
Symptoms of Gonorrhea Lectim include, but not limited to: Anti-social
personality disorder, grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic
mangling of the English language; inability to incorporate new information;
pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions;
exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial
smirking; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies toward creating
evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical,
all-or-nothing behavior. The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and
epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated
only a few years ago from a Texas Bush.
----- End of
warning message

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----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Bush Solves the Louisiana Dilemma

2005-10-02T13:31:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message

MessagePresident Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the French

President Bush and a giddy Jacques Chirac shake hands on the deal

BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has
successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double
its original selling price of $11,250,000.

"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be
stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime
Minister Jack Chirac, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in
exchange for 25 million dollars cash."

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of
dollars to rebuild.

"Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush. "He and
the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make
Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do.
But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."

The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of
Louisiana.

"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom
drabby sham!"

However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.

"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate
Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and
billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25
million dollars in pure profit."

"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only
have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal.
Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and
take it back again."

The money gained from 'T'he Louisiana Refund' is expected to be immediately
pumped into the rebuilding of Iraq.

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Why we don't have the money to fix the gulf coast

2005-10-02T10:47:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message from

The Heartbeat of America
By Stirling Newberry
t r u t h o u t | Perspective

Monday 26 September 2005

One topic I often find myself returning to is what liberalism actually was
in the 20th century, and how it worked. This is particularly pressing because
in the public mind liberalism meant being liberal with public spending. In
fact, many fiscal conservatives now are decrying George W. Bush and his fiscal
priorities as "liberal." George Bush isn't a fiscal liberal, he's a fiscal
libertine, and there is a wide difference.

There were a few essential insights that created the New Deal. One of them
was brought to the table by FDR himself, and that was that the villages and
farms were starved for buying power while money pooled up in the hands of the
few. At the time, Will Rodgers quipped that gold sinks in water and floats on
an economy. The insight goes back to David Hume and Adam Smith: where there is
activity, people want to be close to it. Others will charge them money to be
close to the action, without actually contributing anything to the party. Too
much money brings not more activity but simply higher prices.

The solution was to use progressive taxation to collect money from where it
was pooling up - which did not do anything to help the economy, merely bid up
the price of assets - and to redistribute it out to the whole country. The
people in the countryside would then have the buying power to acquire material
goods, radios, cars, farm equipment, the conveniences of modern life. This
would reduce costs by creating "economies of scale." As Churchill put it in
Great Britain, the free market is neither a tiger to be shot, nor a cow to be
milked, but a horse to be yoked to pull the cart.

Congress fit in to this picture because each Representative and Senator
could be counted on to make sure that there was bacon to bring home. As long as
the executive branch could keep a vision and make sure that most of the money
went to advancing that vision, the system could work. It was, and is, the
economic heartbeat of America.

This idea is the solution to a very old problem, "the city problem." Money
pools up in cities because the concentration of activity allows it to be so.
Gradually the money is leeched out of the farming areas of a nation and into
the cities. Farmers then leave the farms searching for work, swelling the
cities. Those who cannot find work stay in the cities because they cannot go
back out to the countryside, they have nothing to return to. This leads to the
need for "the dole," expenses to keep the city poor from revolting. This
destroys both the source of food and the source of military men - in a
pre-industrial economy, people in the countryside are healthier, longer lived,
and stronger than their less well-fed counterparts in the city. The higher
population also strained the infrastructure of the city - sewers, roads, as
well as police and fire protection. Liberalism, by establishing a means to
prevent money from pooling in the cities, solved this problem. While the
largest cities exploded in size in the 19th century and early 20th century,
America, instead, saw growth of more and more cities across the land.

There were two parts to this: one was to spread money out, the other was to
strengthen the vertical distribution of money inside a city itself. Aid the
urban poor, and it is less expensive to run a city; provide a larger work force
for industry, and less money is needed to run the large factories. This led to a
natural coalition between representatives from farm country that was within
reach of the cities and the urban working class and middle class.

This coalition broke down over two key issues: the role of the military in
American life and the social boundary between cosmopolitan and rural America.
The Republican Party exploited these divides by convincing rural and exurban
America to vote against the entire money pump on the grounds that the vertical
pump was going to undeserving poor people and that the cities were receiving
money from the countryside. The reverse was the case; money flowed out of the
cities and into the countryside, and still does today. The anti-tax mania that
was used became a self-sustaining cultural imperative. Whatever the problem
was, "cut taxes!" became the battle cry of the Republican Party because,
somehow, taxes were anti-freedom.

Thus a governing coalition was formed of those people who no longer wanted
to pay for the economy and those people who hoped that by hobbling their
economic rivals in the cities they would get ahead. The whole thing coasted for
a generation on the massive amount of money the old system had piled up. America
burned through its savings and is now burning through its credit. As anyone who
has presided over a business will tell you, everything looks normal until the
day your checks bounce, your line of credit won't be extended, and the bond
holders won't roll the money over. The next day, the office is closed and
everyone wonders why.

America voted for this, because ordinary Americans became asset inflation
junkies and their 401k plans and houses became the paper wealth that allowed
them to dream of a life of ease. That is the Bush political coalition:
exurbanites getting Republican Pork, while suburbanites saw Will Rodgers'
floating gold. Or to put it less poetically, they saw stock portfolios fatten
and home prices spiral upward as the money that could have been spent improving
the economy was squandered on asset inflation. Asset inflation is the modern-day
equivalent of Adam Smith's "ground rents," money that does nothing but chase
other money.

But without vision, and without cities to be the engines of export and
creativity, the whole system was living on borrowed time. The reason we are in
Iraq is because imperialization and militarization of America was the only way
to make the countryside's supply of military men into a source of foreign cash.
The first Iraq war turned a profit. The cost was that the US did not get to
dictate the terms of the peace, but instead accepted arrangements that kept
Iraq's oil off the market, but Saddam in power.

Many people are trying to draw lessons from the Katrina disaster. There are
many, but one of them is that the reactionary economy is yesterday's economy.
Liberalism was not spending run riot, because other than World War II and
Johnson's attempt at "Guns and Butter," the liberal government largely did not
"spend" money, it circulated it, looking for a more optimal balance of the
economy. Bush spends money, or more accurately, he squanders it, because it
does not produce the ends he wants. Despite having nearly total control of the
government and having controlled Congress for over a decade, the reactionary
vision of the economy and the society have largely not come to pass. While the
religious right has been visible and active, the fact remains that they are
losing. Equal marriage is now legal in more states under George Walker Bush
than it was under William Jefferson Clinton ...

One of the important steps that needs to be taken in the next administration
is to restore the circulation system, so that the projects that we fund across
the country are coming out of what otherwise would be asset inflation. It means
weaning Americans off the vision that someone is going to be foolish enough to
buy their overpriced houses and overpriced stock. Generally a good roiling
crash is enough to do this. It happened with stocks, and it is likely to happen
with houses fairly soon. At this point, people will be more than willing to tax
inflation that someone else is benefiting from.

To summarize: the liberal system taxed asset inflation, while the
reactionary system has allowed asset inflation to explode and encouraged people
to borrow against it. Our grandparents' liberal system was in rough balance
because the money that was paying for additional activity was coming out of
unproductive rent, out of the mad scramble at the top of the economy, just as
Adam Smith predicted in 1776, rather than out of productive activity.
Yesterday's reactionary system borrowed from the future; it did not seem to be
reducing activity, because what it was doing was reducing activity in the
future. Yesterday's economy borrowed and sent the bill to tomorrow. We don't
have the money to fix New Orleans after Katrina and strengthen the brittle
energy system, because the Forbes 400 has already spent it.

We are the tomorrow that yesterday sent the bill to. To get out of this
trap, we are going to have to tax inflation, and that won't happen until the
giant floating crap game is finally raided. Katrina and Rita have raided it in
one corner of the world, and everyone else in the country, other than people
like Rush Limbaugh who want Gulf Coasters to drown in the cold, realizes that
something has to be done about it. The question is where to get the money. The
creeping realization is that the next bill we send to tomorrow is going to come
back marked "return to sender."

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: lord help us

2005-10-02T10:42:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message from

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing on the Iraq war.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Why help never arrived in New Orleans

----- End forwarded message -----

Fw: Blond From Tennessee

2005-10-02T10:39:00.000-04:00

> Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
> attractive blond woman from Tennessee arrived and bet twenty-thousand
> dollars ( $20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
>
> She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
> completely nude."
> With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled,
> "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
> As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
> "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
>
> She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her
> clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
> dumbfounded.
>
> Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
> The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
>
> Moral
> Not all Tennesseans are stupid and not all blonds are dumb, but all
> men are men.

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Gas Quickie

2005-10-02T10:36:00.000-04:00

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I went into a the local 7/11 today and told them I wanted $5 worth of gas. The clerk farted and handed me a receipt.

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<DIV><EM><FONT face="Engravers MT" color=#0000ff size=4> </FONT></EM><FONT
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size=2><STRONG><FONT size=5>I went into a the local 7/11 today and
told them I wanted $5 worth of gas. </FONT></STRONG><STRONG><FONT
size=5>The clerk farted and handed me a receipt.
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--Boundary_(ID_Lgc8EXzLfc05gImHLqgPgg)--

I went into a the local 7/11 today and told them I wanted $5 worth of gas. The clerk farted and handed me a receipt.

----- Forwarded message from lynnyd@direcway.com -----
Date: Sun, 25 Sep 2005 15:24:32 -0700
From: Lynn <lynnyd@direcway.com>
Reply-To: Lynn <lynnyd@direcway.com>
Subject: Gas Quickie
To: acatbird@highstream.net

I went into a the local 7/11 today and told them I wanted $5 worth of gas. The
clerk farted and handed me a receipt.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Sign Language

2005-09-30T07:53:00.000-04:00

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out,
since they can't see each other signing or read each other's lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the
wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple
signals? For instance, at night if you want to have sex with me, reach over
and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she
wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time. If
you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times."

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: WD 40

2005-09-24T18:59:00.000-04:00

Hey Mike, I just found out what your problem was, why you didn't catch fish ..... read on, keep reading, the

secret is below!

Love Lynn

----- Original Message -----

Sent: Wednesday, September 21, 2005 7:01 AM

Subject: spam: WD 40

Havent tried them all but I know some of these work

----- Original Message -----

WD-40

When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has
cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well
as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stove top. Viola! It's now
shinierthan it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and
degreaserto protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at
the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that
wasto find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the
fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.

The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts.
The workers were so pleased with the product, they began smuggling (also
knownas "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided
there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.

The rest, as they say, is history.

It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. Only one of
themis the "brew master." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff
manufactured each year. It gets it's distinctive smell from a fragrance
that is addedto the brew. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing
in WD-40 that would hurt you.

Here are some of the uses:

*Protects silver from tarnishing
*Cleans and lubricates guitar string
*Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
*Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery
*Keeps flies off cows
*Restores and cleans chalkboards
*Removes lipstick stains
*Loosens stubborn zippers
*Untangles jewelry chains
*Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
*Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
*Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
*Removes tomato stains from clothing
*Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
*Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
*Keeps scissors working smoothly
*Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
*Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide
*Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding
mowers
*Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
*Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open
*Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close
*Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as
vinyl bumpers
*Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
*Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
*Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy
handling
*Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly
*Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools
*Removes splattered grease on stove
*Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
*Lubricates prosthetic limbs
*Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
*Removes all traces of duct tape
*I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to
relieve arthritis pain.
*Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and
bumpers
*The favorite use in the state of New York--WD-40 protects the Statue of
Liberty from the elements.
*WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be
catching the big one in no time. Also it's a lot cheaper than the chemical
attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using
some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
*Use it for fire ant bites It takes the sting away immediately, and stops
the itch.
*WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe
with a clean rag.
*Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried
a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with
WD-40 and rewash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
*If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the
moisture and allow the car to start.(If I knew what a distributor cap was, it might
help)
*WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape mung (sticky
label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on
every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to
two days!
*Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor!
*Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem
to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
*Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
*Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use
WD-40!

Have a great day

WD-40

When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has
cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well
as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stove top. Viola! It's now
shinierthan it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and
degreaserto protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three
technicians at
the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that
wasto find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the
fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.

The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts.
The workers were so pleased with the product, they began smuggling (also
knownas "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives
decided
there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.

The rest, as they say, is history.

It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. Only one of
themis the "brew master." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff
manufactured each year. It gets it's distinctive smell from a fragrance
that is addedto the brew. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there
is nothing
in WD-40 that would hurt you.

Here are some of the uses:

*Protects silver from tarnishing
*Cleans and lubricates guitar string
*Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
*Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery
*Keeps flies off cows
*Restores and cleans chalkboards
*Removes lipstick stains
*Loosens stubborn zippers
*Untangles jewelry chains
*Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
*Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
*Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
*Removes tomato stains from clothing
*Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
*Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
*Keeps scissors working smoothly
*Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
*Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide
*Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding
mowers
*Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
*Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open
*Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close
*Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as
vinyl bumpers
*Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
*Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
*Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy
handling
*Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly
*Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools
*Removes splattered grease on stove
*Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
*Lubricates prosthetic limbs
*Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
*Removes all traces of duct tape
*I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to
relieve arthritis pain.
*Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and
bumpers
*The favorite use in the state of New York--WD-40 protects the Statue of
Liberty from the elements.
*WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be
catching the big one in no time. Also it's a lot cheaper than the chemical
attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using
some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
*Use it for fire ant bites It takes the sting away immediately, and stops
the itch.
*WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe
with a clean rag.
*Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried
a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with
WD-40 and rewash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
*If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the
moisture and allow the car to start.(If I knew what a distributor cap was, it
might
help)
*WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape mung (sticky
label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on
every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up
to
two days!
*Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor!
*Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem
to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
*Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
*Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use
WD-40!

Have a great day

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: REDNECK TIP OF THE WEEK

2005-09-19T17:39:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message from ciggi@insightbb.com -----
Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 19:00:27 -0400
From: DJ Bob <ciggi@insightbb.com>
Reply-To: ciggi@insightbb.com
Subject: REDNECK TIP OF THE WEEK
To: ciggi@insightbb.com

REDNECK TIP OF THE WEEK: Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to
the nearest pizza shop, place an order, and when they go to deliver it,
catch a ride home with them.

----- End forwarded message -----

Fw: Wisdom from Grandpa .....

2005-09-13T19:46:00.000-04:00

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charset=iso-8859-1
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----- Original Message -----
From: J Michael Kilburn
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Sent: Monday, September 12, 2005 9:26 AM
Subject: Just in from old friend Gary. His Grandpa sounds cool.

Wisdom from Grandpa .....

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thorough bred, she will never turn into an old nag.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing

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charset=iso-8859-1
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<BODY bgColor=#ffffff>
<DIV><FONT face=Wolf color=#0000ff size=5></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV style="FONT: 10pt arial">----- Original Message -----
<DIV style="BACKGROUND: #e4e4e4; font-color: black"><B>From:</B> <A
title=vze2njya@verizon.net href="mailto:vze2njya@verizon.net">J Michael
Kilburn</A> </DIV>
<DIV><B>To:</B> <A title=Undisclosed-Recipient:;
href="mailto:Undisclosed-Recipient:;">Undisclosed-Recipient:;</A> </DIV>
<DIV><B>Sent:</B> Monday, September 12, 2005 9:26 AM</DIV>
<DIV><B>Subject:</B> Just in from old friend Gary. His Grandpa sounds
cool.                          
<IMG alt="" hspace=0 src="cid:00b701c5b7b9$87a509a0$0200a8c0@S0029422611"
align=baseline border=0></DIV></DIV>
<DIV><BR></DIV>
<DIV><STRONG><FONT face=Papyrus size=4><FONT color=#ff0000 size=4>
<P><FONT color=#000000>Wisdom from Grandpa ..... </FONT></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg,
depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
<HR>
</FONT>
<P></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy
earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>
<HR>
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.</FONT>
<P></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>
<HR>
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they
try to decide which one.</FONT>
<P></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>
<HR>
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thorough bred, she will
never turn into an old nag.</FONT>
<P></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>
<HR>
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the
present.</FONT>
<P></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>
<HR>
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin',
cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."</FONT>
<P></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>
<HR>
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is
in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.</FONT>
<P></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>
<HR>
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start
bragging about it.</FONT>
<P></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>
<HR>
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't
paved.</FONT>
<P></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>
<HR>
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?</FONT>
<P></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>
<HR>
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.</FONT>
<P></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>
<HR>
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't
recognize you.</FONT>
<P></P>
<P><FONT color=#000000>
<HR>
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing </FONT>
<P></P></FONT></FONT></STRONG></DIV></BODY></HTML>

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--Boundary_(ID_oAnv21Eb/6vwACxKMky5gw)--

----- Original Message -----

From: J Michael Kilburn

To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;

Sent: Monday, September 12, 2005 9:26 AM

Subject: Just in from old friend Gary. His Grandpa sounds cool.

Wisdom from Grandpa .....

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thorough bred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing

Wisdom from Grandpa .....

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the
kind of chick he marries.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that
he forgets his sugar.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they
try to decide which one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thorough bred, she will
never turn into an old nag.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the
present.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin',
cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is
in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start
bragging about it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't
paved.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't
recognize you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: VODKA

2005-09-11T19:35:00.000-04:00

See ya'll later, rushing out to buy a case of Vodka .....

----- Original Message -----

Subject: VODKA

By Crackie, I always said it was good .....

Uses for Vodka...

> 1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The
solvent dissolves adhesive.
>
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray
bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
>
> 3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean
cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and
kills germs.
>
> 4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting
your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka
disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
>
> 5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
> 6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to
cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
>
> 7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of
healthy hair.
>
> 8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to
kill them.
> 9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag
and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black
eyes.
>
> 10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender
flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun
for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the
tincture to aches and pains.
>
> 11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and
back as a liniment.
> 12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
> 13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
>
> 14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the oil
from your skin.
> 15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb
some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
>
>
>
> 16. NEVER DRINK THE STUFF - IT'LL KILL YOU

Uses for Vodka...

> 1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The
solvent dissolves adhesive.
>
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray
bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
>
> 3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean
cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and
kills germs.
>
> 4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting
your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka
disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
>
> 5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
> 6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to
cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
>
> 7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of
healthy hair.
>
> 8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to
kill them.
> 9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag
and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black
eyes.
>
> 10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender
flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun
for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the
tincture to aches and pains.
>
> 11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and
back as a liniment.
> 12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
> 13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
>
> 14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the oil
from your skin.
> 15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb
some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
>
>
>
> 16. NEVER DRINK THE STUFF - IT'LL KILL YOU

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Bob Herbert: A Failure of Leadership

2005-09-10T12:56:00.000-04:00

Go to Original

    A Failure of Leadership
    By Bob Herbert
    The New York Times

Monday 05 September 2005

"Bush to New Orleans: Drop Dead"

Neither the death of the chief justice nor the frantic efforts of panicked White House political advisers can conceal the magnitude of the president's failure of leadership last week. The catastrophe in New Orleans billowed up like the howling winds of hell and was carried live and in color on television screens across the U.S. and around the world.

The Big Easy had turned into the Big Hurt, and the colossal failure of George W. Bush to intervene powerfully and immediately to rescue tens of thousands of American citizens who were suffering horribly and dying in agony was there for all the world to see.

Hospitals with deathly ill patients were left without power, with ventilators that didn't work, with floodwaters rising on the lower floors and with corpses rotting in the corridors and stairwells. People unable to breathe on their own, or with cancer or heart disease or kidney failure, slipped into comas and sank into their final sleep in front of helpless doctors and relatives. These were Americans in desperate trouble.

The president didn't seem to notice.

Death and the stink of decay were all over the city. Corpses were propped up in wheelchairs and on lawn furniture, or left to decompose on sunbaked sidewalks. Some floated by in water fouled by human feces.

Degenerates roamed the city, shooting at rescue workers, beating and robbing distraught residents and tourists, raping women and girls. The president of the richest, most powerful country in the history of the world didn't seem to notice.

Viewers could watch diabetics go into insulin shock on national television, and you could see babies with the pale, vacant look of hunger that we're more used to seeing in dispatches from the third world. You could see their mothers, dirty and hungry themselves, weeping.

Old, critically ill people were left to soil themselves and in some cases die like stray animals on the floor of an airport triage center. For days the president of the United States didn't seem to notice.

He would have noticed if the majority of these stricken folks had been white and prosperous. But they weren't. Most were black and poor, and thus, to the George W. Bush administration, still invisible.

After days of withering criticism from white and black Americans, from conservatives as well as liberals, from Republicans and Democrats, the president finally felt compelled to act, however feebly. (The chorus of criticism from nearly all quarters demanding that the president do something tells me that the nation as a whole is so much better than this administration.)

Mr. Bush flew south on Friday and proved (as if more proof were needed) that he didn't get it. Instead of urgently focusing on the people who were stranded, hungry, sick and dying, he engaged in small talk, reminiscing at one point about the days when he used to party in New Orleans, and mentioning that Trent Lott had lost one of his houses but that it would be replaced with "a fantastic house - and I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch."

Mr. Bush's performance last week will rank as one of the worst ever by a president during a dire national emergency. What we witnessed, as clearly as the overwhelming agony of the city of New Orleans, was the dangerous incompetence and the staggering indifference to human suffering of the president and his administration.

And it is this incompetence and indifference to suffering (yes, the carnage continues to mount in Iraq) that makes it so hard to be optimistic about the prospects for the United States over the next few years. At a time when effective, innovative leadership is desperately needed to cope with matters of war and peace, terrorism and domestic security, the economic imperatives of globalization and the rising competition for oil, the United States is being led by a man who seems oblivious to the reality of his awesome responsibilities.

Like a boy being prepped for a second crack at a failed exam, Mr. Bush has been meeting with his handlers to see what steps can be taken to minimize the political fallout from this latest demonstration of his ineptitude. But this is not about politics. It's about competence. And when the president is so obviously clueless about matters so obviously important, it means that the rest of us, like the people left stranded in New Orleans, are in deep, deep trouble.

You can go to their home page and sign up for thier free newsletters. -Bob

http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/printer_090505X.shtml

Go to Original

A Failure of Leadership
By Bob Herbert
The New York Times

Monday 05 September 2005

"Bush to New Orleans: Drop Dead"

Neither the death of the chief justice nor the frantic efforts of panicked
White House political advisers can conceal the magnitude of the president's
failure of leadership last week. The catastrophe in New Orleans billowed up
like the howling winds of hell and was carried live and in color on television
screens across the U.S. and around the world.

The Big Easy had turned into the Big Hurt, and the colossal failure of
George W. Bush to intervene powerfully and immediately to rescue tens of
thousands of American citizens who were suffering horribly and dying in agony
was there for all the world to see.

Hospitals with deathly ill patients were left without power, with
ventilators that didn't work, with floodwaters rising on the lower floors and
with corpses rotting in the corridors and stairwells. People unable to breathe
on their own, or with cancer or heart disease or kidney failure, slipped into
comas and sank into their final sleep in front of helpless doctors and
relatives. These were Americans in desperate trouble.

The president didn't seem to notice.

Death and the stink of decay were all over the city. Corpses were propped up
in wheelchairs and on lawn furniture, or left to decompose on sunbaked
sidewalks. Some floated by in water fouled by human feces.

Degenerates roamed the city, shooting at rescue workers, beating and robbing
distraught residents and tourists, raping women and girls. The president of the
richest, most powerful country in the history of the world didn't seem to
notice.

Viewers could watch diabetics go into insulin shock on national television,
and you could see babies with the pale, vacant look of hunger that we're more
used to seeing in dispatches from the third world. You could see their mothers,
dirty and hungry themselves, weeping.

Old, critically ill people were left to soil themselves and in some cases
die like stray animals on the floor of an airport triage center. For days the
president of the United States didn't seem to notice.

He would have noticed if the majority of these stricken folks had been white
and prosperous. But they weren't. Most were black and poor, and thus, to the
George W. Bush administration, still invisible.

After days of withering criticism from white and black Americans, from
conservatives as well as liberals, from Republicans and Democrats, the
president finally felt compelled to act, however feebly. (The chorus of
criticism from nearly all quarters demanding that the president do something
tells me that the nation as a whole is so much better than this
administration.)

Mr. Bush flew south on Friday and proved (as if more proof were needed) that
he didn't get it. Instead of urgently focusing on the people who were stranded,
hungry, sick and dying, he engaged in small talk, reminiscing at one point
about the days when he used to party in New Orleans, and mentioning that Trent
Lott had lost one of his houses but that it would be replaced with "a fantastic
house - and I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch."

Mr. Bush's performance last week will rank as one of the worst ever by a
president during a dire national emergency. What we witnessed, as clearly as
the overwhelming agony of the city of New Orleans, was the dangerous
incompetence and the staggering indifference to human suffering of the
president and his administration.

And it is this incompetence and indifference to suffering (yes, the carnage
continues to mount in Iraq) that makes it so hard to be optimistic about the
prospects for the United States over the next few years. At a time when
effective, innovative leadership is desperately needed to cope with matters of
war and peace, terrorism and domestic security, the economic imperatives of
globalization and the rising competition for oil, the United States is being
led by a man who seems oblivious to the reality of his awesome
responsibilities.

Like a boy being prepped for a second crack at a failed exam, Mr. Bush has
been meeting with his handlers to see what steps can be taken to minimize the
political fallout from this latest demonstration of his ineptitude. But this is
not about politics. It's about competence. And when the president is so
obviously clueless about matters so obviously important, it means that the rest
of us, like the people left stranded in New Orleans, are in deep, deep trouble.

Paramedics: Police Prevent People from Leaving New Orleans

2005-09-10T12:35:00.000-04:00

http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/printer_090805A.shtml

Hurricane Katrina - Our Experiences
By Parmedics Larry Bradsahw and Lorrie Beth Slonsky
EMSNetwork News

Tuesday 06 September 2005

Two days after Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans, the Walgreen's store at
the corner of Royal and Iberville streets remained locked. The dairy display
case was clearly visible through the widows. It was now 48 hours without
electricity, running water, plumbing. The milk, yogurt, and cheeses were
beginning to spoil in the 90-degree heat. The owners and managers had locked up
the food, water, pampers, and prescriptions and fled the City. Outside
Walgreen's windows, residents and tourists grew increasingly thirsty and
hungry.

The much-promised federal, state and local aid never materialized and the
windows at Walgreen's gave way to the looters. There was an alternative. The
cops could have broken one small window and distributed the nuts, fruit juices,
and bottle water in an organized and systematic manner. But they did not.
Instead they spent hours playing cat and mouse, temporarily chasing away the
looters.

We were finally airlifted out of New Orleans two days ago and arrived home
yesterday (Saturday). We have yet to see any of the TV coverage or look at a
newspaper. We are willing to guess that there were no video images or
front-page pictures of European or affluent white tourists looting the
Walgreen's in the French Quarter.

We also suspect the media will have been inundated with "hero" images of the
National Guard, the troops and the police struggling to help the "victims" of
the Hurricane. What you will not see, but what we witnessed, were the real
heroes and sheroes of the hurricane relief effort: the working class of New

Orleans. The maintenance workers who used a fork lift to carry the sick and
disabled. The engineers, who rigged, nurtured and kept the generators running.
The electricians who improvised thick extension cords stretching over blocks to
share the little electricity we had in order to free cars stuck on rooftop
parking lots. Nurses who took over for mechanical ventilators and spent many
hours on end manually forcing air into the lungs of unconscious patients to
keep them alive. Doormen who rescued folks stuck in elevators. Refinery workers
who broke into boat yards, "stealing" boats to rescue their neighbors clinging
to their roofs in flood waters. Mechanics who helped hot-wire any car that
could be found to ferry people out of the City. And the food service workers
who scoured the commercial kitchens improvising communal meals for hundreds of
those stranded.

Most of these workers had lost their homes, and had not heard from members
of their families, yet they stayed and provided the only infrastructure for the
20% of New Orleans that was not under water.

On Day 2, there were approximately 500 of us left in the hotels in the
French Quarter. We were a mix of foreign tourists, conference attendees like
ourselves, and locals who had checked into hotels for safety and shelter from
Katrina. Some of us had cell phone contact with family and friends outside of

New Orleans. We were repeatedly told that all sorts of resources including
the National Guard and scores of buses were pouring in to the City. The buses
and the other resources must have been invisible because none of us had seen
them.

We decided we had to save ourselves. So we pooled our money and came up with
$25,000 to have ten buses come and take us out of the City. Those who did not
have the requisite $45.00 for a ticket were subsidized by those who did have
extra money. We waited for 48 hours for the buses, spending the last 12 hours
standing outside, sharing the limited water, food, and clothes we had. We
created a priority boarding area for the sick, elderly and new born babies. We
waited late into the night for the "imminent" arrival of the buses. The buses
never arrived. We later learned that the minute the arrived to the City limits,
they were commandeered by the military.

By day 4 our hotels had run out of fuel and water. Sanitation was
dangerously abysmal. As the desperation and despair increased, street crime as
well as water levels began to rise. The hotels turned us out and locked their
doors, telling us that the "officials" told us to report to the convention
center to wait for more buses. As we entered the center of the City, we finally
encountered the National Guard. The Guards told us we would not be allowed into
the Superdome as the City's primary shelter had descended into a humanitarian
and health hellhole. The guards further told us that the City's only other
shelter, the Convention Center, was also descending into chaos and squalor and
that the police were not allowing anyone else in. Quite naturally, we asked,
"If we can't go to the only 2 shelters in the City, what was our alternative?"
The guards told us that that was our problem, and no they did not have extra
water to give to us. This would be the start of our numerous encounters with
callous and hostile "law enforcement".

We walked to the police command center at Harrah's on Canal Street and were
told the same thing, that we were on our own, and no they did not have water to
give us. We now numbered several hundred. We held a mass meeting to decide a
course of action. We agreed to camp outside the police command post. We would
be plainly visible to the media and would constitute a highly visible
embarrassment to the City officials. The police told us that we could not stay.
Regardless, we began to settle in and set up camp. In short order, the police
commander came across the street to address our group. He told us he had a
solution: we should walk to the Pontchartrain Expressway and cross the greater
New Orleans Bridge where the police had buses lined up to take us out of the
City. The crowed cheered and began to move. We called everyone back and
explained to the commander that there had been lots of misinformation and wrong
information and was he sure that there were buses waiting for us. The commander
turned to the crowd and stated emphatically, "I swear to you that the buses are
there."

We organized ourselves and the 200 of us set off for the bridge with great
excitement and hope. As we marched pasted the convention center, many locals
saw our determined and optimistic group and asked where we were headed. We told
them about the great news. Families immediately grabbed their few belongings and
quickly our numbers doubled and then doubled again. Babies in strollers now
joined us, people using crutches, elderly clasping walkers and others people in
wheelchairs. We marched the 2-3 miles to the freeway and up the steep incline to
the Bridge. It now began to pour down rain, but it did not dampen our
enthusiasm.

As we approached the bridge, armed Gretna sheriffs formed a line across the
foot of the bridge. Before we were close enough to speak, they began firing
their weapons over our heads. This sent the crowd fleeing in various
directions. As the crowd scattered and dissipated, a few of us inched forward
and managed to engage some of the sheriffs in conversation. We told them of our
conversation with the police commander and of the commander's assurances. The
sheriffs informed us there were no buses waiting. The commander had lied to us
to get us to move.

We questioned why we couldn't cross the bridge anyway, especially as there
was little traffic on the 6-lane highway. They responded that the West Bank was
not going to become New Orleans and there would be no Superdomes in their City.
These were code words for if you are poor and black, you are not crossing the
Mississippi River and you were not getting out of New Orleans.

Our small group retreated back down Highway 90 to seek shelter from the rain
under an overpass. We debated our options and in the end decided to build an
encampment in the middle of the Ponchartrain Expressway on the center divide,
between the O'Keefe and Tchoupitoulas exits. We reasoned we would be visible to
everyone, we would have some security being on an elevated freeway and we could
wait and watch for the arrival of the yet to be seen buses.

All day long, we saw other families, individuals and groups make the same
trip up the incline in an attempt to cross the bridge, only to be turned away.
Some chased away with gunfire, others simply told no, others to be verbally
berated and humiliated. Thousands of New Orleaners were prevented and
prohibited from self-evacuating the City on foot. Meanwhile, the only two City
shelters sank further into squalor and disrepair. The only way across the
bridge was by vehicle. We saw workers stealing trucks, buses, moving vans,
semi-trucks and any car that could be hotwired. All were packed with people
trying to escape the misery New Orleans had become.

Our little encampment began to blossom. Someone stole a water delivery truck
and brought it up to us. Let's hear it for looting! A mile or so down the
freeway, an army truck lost a couple of pallets of C-rations on a tight turn.
We ferried the food back to our camp in shopping carts. Now secure with the two
necessities, food and water; cooperation, community, and creativity flowered. We
organized a clean up and hung garbage bags from the rebar poles. We made beds
from wood pallets and cardboard. We designated a storm drain as the bathroom
and the kids built an elaborate enclosure for privacy out of plastic, broken
umbrellas, and other scraps. We even organized a food recycling system where
individuals could swap out parts of C-rations (applesauce for babies and
candies for kids!).

This was a process we saw repeatedly in the aftermath of Katrina. When
individuals had to fight to find food or water, it meant looking out for
yourself only. You had to do whatever it took to find water for your kids or
food for your parents. When these basic needs were met, people began to look
out for each other, working together and constructing a community.

If the relief organizations had saturated the City with food and water in
the first 2 or 3 days, the desperation, the frustration and the ugliness would
not have set in.

Flush with the necessities, we offered food and water to passing families
and individuals. Many decided to stay and join us. Our encampment grew to 80 or
90 people.

From a woman with a battery powered radio we learned that the media was
talking about us. Up in full view on the freeway, every relief and news
organizations saw us on their way into the City. Officials were being asked
what they were going to do about all those families living up on the freeway?
The officials responded they were going to take care of us. Some of us got a
sinking feeling. "Taking care of us" had an ominous tone to it.

Unfortunately, our sinking feeling (along with the sinking City) was
correct. Just as dusk set in, a Gretna Sheriff showed up, jumped out of his
patrol vehicle, aimed his gun at our faces, screaming, "Get off the fucking
freeway". A helicopter arrived and used the wind from its blades to blow away
our flimsy structures. As we retreated, the sheriff loaded up his truck with
our food and water.

Once again, at gunpoint, we were forced off the freeway. All the law
enforcement agencies appeared threatened when we congregated or congealed into
groups of 20 or more. In every congregation of "victims" they saw "mob" or
"riot". We felt safety in numbers. Our "we must stay together" was impossible
because the agencies would force us into small atomized groups.

In the pandemonium of having our camp raided and destroyed, we scattered
once again. Reduced to a small group of 8 people, in the dark, we sought refuge
in an abandoned school bus, under the freeway on Cilo Street. We were hiding
from possible criminal elements but equally and definitely, we were hiding from
the police and sheriffs with their martial law, curfew and shoot-to-kill
policies.

The next days, our group of 8 walked most of the day, made contact with New
Orleans Fire Department and were eventually airlifted out by an urban search
and rescue team. We were dropped off near the airport and managed to catch a
ride with the National Guard. The two young guardsmen apologized for the
limited response of the Louisiana guards. They explained that a large section
of their unit was in Iraq and that meant they were shorthanded and were unable
to complete all the tasks they were assigned.

We arrived at the airport on the day a massive airlift had begun. The
airport had become another Superdome. We 8 were caught in a press of humanity
as flights were delayed for several hours while George Bush landed briefly at
the airport for a photo op. After being evacuated on a coast guard cargo plane,
we arrived in San Antonio, Texas.

There the humiliation and dehumanization of the official relief effort
continued. We were placed on buses and driven to a large field where we were
forced to sit for hours and hours. Some of the buses did not have
air-conditioners. In the dark, hundreds if us were forced to share two filthy
overflowing porta-potties. Those who managed to make it out with any
possessions (often a few belongings in tattered plastic bags) we were subjected
to two different dog-sniffing searches.

Most of us had not eaten all day because our C-rations had been confiscated
at the airport because the rations set off the metal detectors. Yet, no food
had been provided to the men, women, children, elderly, disabled as they sat
for hours waiting to be "medically screened" to make sure we were not carrying
any communicable diseases.

This official treatment was in sharp contrast to the warm, heart-felt
reception given to us by the ordinary Texans. We saw one airline worker give
her shoes to someone who was barefoot. Strangers on the street offered us money
and toiletries with words of welcome. Throughout, the official relief effort was
callous, inept, and racist.

There was more suffering than need be.

Lives were lost that did not need to be lost.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bradshaw and Slonsky are paramedics from California that were attending the
EMS conference in New Orleans. Larry Bradshaw is the chief shop steward,
Paramedic Chapter, SEIU Local 790; and Lorrie Beth Slonsky is steward,
Paramedic Chapter, SEIU Local 790.

Fwd: Fender Skirts

2005-09-09T17:46:00.000-04:00

Subject: Fw: Fender Skirts ?
Date: Tue, 9 Aug 2005 13:36:16 +0000

I came across a phrase in a book yesterday, "FENDER SKIRTS"... a term I haven't
heard in a long time. Thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about
other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." or ?necker knobs?. And how about the
?dimmer-switch? on the floor to turn on your ?Brights? at night. Do you recall
having to demonstrate ?hand-signals? when taking your driving test every year.
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.
Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some
of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire
covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake"
became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency
brake."

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the
accelerator the "foot feed." And how about the knob on the dash we called the
?throttle? before cruise-control happened. Kids today would have no idea what
to do with a ?choke?

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could
ride the "running board" up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore -
"store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.
But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or shirt or a
store-bought bag of candy. How about ?darning? socks?

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now
means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the
'50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall
carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood
floors. Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard
to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a
little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about
stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply"expecting."

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and
my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now, "Unmentionables" probably
wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an
affectation.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came
across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

And here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And
what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you
for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now
sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963
Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains
of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear
mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that
grieves me most is "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word.
Invite
someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

Fwd: Driving in Louisville Kentucky

2005-09-08T19:31:00.000-04:00

Driving in Louisville
Visitor's Guide to Louisville

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Looa -vull"

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Louisville has its own
version of traffic rules....the truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at
a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that.
(Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right of way anytime.)

3. To find anything in Louisville it is required that you know where the
Old Sears Building" is... which is the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and
the end.

4. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is
from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed
out and possibly shot.

6. You must know that "Jefferson Freeway", "Gene Snyder Freeway", "I - 265"
and "State Road 841" are the same road.

7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Louisville. The barrels are
moved around in the middle of the night to make the next days driving a bit
more exciting.

8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs,
barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, opossum
truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or vultures feeding on
any of these items.

9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder
immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated".

10. The minimum acceptable speed on the "Gene Snyder Freeway (see above) is

85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Kentucky's
version of NASCAR.

11. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55 zone >...
you are considered a road hazard, and will be "flipped off" accordingly.

13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving

14. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

15. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Kentucky Derby Festival is
going on.

Fwd: A great telemarketer come back....

2005-09-03T21:47:00.000-04:00

Subject: A great telemarketer come back....

The phone rang just as we were sitting down to dinner. I answered it and was
greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?"

This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or
something like that. I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he
was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good
pictures of the body and all the blood." I turned back to the phone and
advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line
because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to
appear at the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at
home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove
where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a
shaky voice.

I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the
police were entering the building to take him into custody.

At this point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my
face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My food
was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Public apathy continues

2005-08-19T19:54:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message from lynnyd@direcway.com -----
Date: Fri, 19 Aug 2005 12:19:30 -0700
From: Lynn <lynnyd@direcway.com>
Reply-To: Lynn <lynnyd@direcway.com>
Subject: Public apathy continues
To: "Aikman, Karen" <karen.aikman@lmco.com>, acatbird@highstream.net

American Politics at normal stride....

Ain't politics grand?

Jesse Jackson's New Staff Member

Mel Reynolds

Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago Democrat Congressman Mel Reynolds
to Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll. Reynolds was among the 176 criminals
excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds
received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15
convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election
Commission. He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five
years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.

This is a first in American politics: An ex-congressman who had sex with a
subordinate... won clemency from a president who had sex with a
subordinate... then was hired by a clergyman who had sex with a
subordinate.
His new job?

Ready for this??

*********YOUTH COUNSELOR********

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

----- End forwarded message -----

--
curtis m carlson
www.blog.cmcarlson.com
http://forward-humor.blogspot.com
www.cmcarlson.com
1616 Ballou Rd.
Floyds Knobs, Indiana USA
47119
(812) 945-8426

"No crime is greater than the repression of man's nature either by oneself or
by someone else." - Mao -

"sucess very often consists in a final persistence" -- Chinese saying --

"man can be destroyed but cannot be defeated" -- Hemingway --

"Try to learn something about everything and everything about something".
-- Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895); English zoologist --

We can do anything we want if we stick to it long enough.
-- Helen Keller --

Fwd: :In Honor of Stupid People . . .

2005-08-19T19:52:00.000-04:00

. .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down"
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating"
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just
get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to
fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and
send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)..

****Blessed are the cracked: For it is they who let in the light*****

Slow Friends

2005-08-19T19:48:00.000-04:00

Today is the international day for the mentally disabled. Please send an
encouraging message to a mentally retarded friend--as I have just done
for you. Just thought I'd let your retarded ass know I don't mind being
friends with you. I don't care if you lick windows or even if you wear a
football helmet to work. It doesn't bother me that you wear your
underwear on the outside of your pants. All I ask is that when we go
to the club, you drive so we can park up front. You hang on in there
because you are doing great! You are special, so keep trying! Have a
great day!

Top ten things you wish you could say at work.

2005-08-07T23:13:00.000-04:00

Top 20 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.

Fw: Hard Times

2005-08-06T16:54:00.000-04:00

Hard Times

If you are 30 or older you'll appreciate this....

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes
about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways ... through year
'round blizzards ... carrying their younger siblings on their backs ... to their
one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average despite their
full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill ... where they worked for
35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I
remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was
going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids ... about how hard I had it and
how easy they've got it!
But... Now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared
to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids
today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't
have The Internet... we wanted to know something; we had to go to the damn
library and look it up ourselves! In the card catalog!! There was no email! We
had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk
all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like
a week to get there! There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music,
you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to
wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the
beginning and f@#* it all up!
You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to
bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were
your options! We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy
Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It
could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't
know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have
any fancy Sony Play station videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had
the Atari 2600! ! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the
graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination!
And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you
died! ... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All
the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you and you
couldn't see you were just screwed! Sure, we had cable television, but back
then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no
remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what
was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon
Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning ...D'ya hear what I'm
saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! We didn't have
microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up ... we had to use the stove ...
imagine that! If we wanted popcorn....we had to use that stupid jiffy pop and
shake it over the stove like an idiot forever.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled, you guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

----- End forwarded message -----

Fw: Some GREAT laughs

2005-08-02T09:51:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message from

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words
back or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the testimonials of
a few people who did...

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned
around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a
word.
He knew better.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at
the store He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.

*While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that
if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my
horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I
mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were
screams of laughter!!

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was
very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she
was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while,
so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No ." I kept thinking, "Oh
Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Dan! ny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he
replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell
was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and
spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people
nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his
pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What
happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a
female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, ! but
half the crew did too!

Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh

----- End forwarded message -----

Fw: Speedos

2005-08-01T08:24:00.000-04:00

This one's kind of funny.

-------------- Forwarded Message: --------------
From: "Billie Gates" <waltandbillie@msn.com>
Cc: "Anna Stevenson" <annamstevenson@hotmail.com>, "Bob Johnson" <cashmeout2004@hotmail.com>, "cj1252" <cj1252@comcast.net>, "clydeburks" <clydeburks@comcast.net>, "Eva McIntire" <evamcintire@comcast.net>, "harry kelley" <hawk5@mchsi.com>, "hata2dl8y" <hata2dl8y@juno.com>, "Jim Muckridge" <jrmak@gci.net>, "John Smith" <satchel64@comcast.net>, "judyandbree" <judyandbree@comcast.net>, "margaret kennedy" <MARGANN@peoplepc.com>, "Mildred Gallegos" <mildredgallegos@yahoo.com>, "Ron & Ina" <rnindhs@netzero.net>
Subject: Fw: Speedos
Date: Sun, 17 Jul 2005 21:30:52 +0000

Subject: Fw: Speedos

Ole and Sven, were holidaying on the beach in Australia while on vacation, and Sven couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. He decided to ask the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," said the lifeguard. "You're wearing them old baggy Minnesota style swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following day, Sven hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Ole went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "Vat's wrong now? Sven still isn't picking up babes."

"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard., "Mate, the potato goes in FRONT!"

Subject: Fw: Speedos

Ole and Sven, were holidaying on the beach in Australia while on vacation, and
Sven couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. He decided to ask the
local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," said the lifeguard. "You're wearing them old baggy
Minnesota style swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're
years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about
two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin'
ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following day, Sven hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and
his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by,
covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Ole went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "Vat's wrong now? Sven still
isn't picking up babes."
"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard., "Mate, the potato goes in FRONT!"

----- End forwarded message -----

Fw: The Job Applicant

2005-08-01T08:17:00.000-04:00

Hay Mahan,You two should give serious consideration to the idea of coming for a visit.I'll send you home with knowledge that will make you the kind of money that dreams are made of.Hay where's our stories from the mountain?I'm realy starting to miss thouse thing's.

-------------- Forwarded Message: --------------
From: "Billie Gates" <waltandbillie@msn.com>
Cc: "Bob Johnson" <cashmeout2004@hotmail.com>, "Cecilia & Leroy" <Lecekas@cybertrails.com>, "cj1252" <cj1252@comcast.net>, "clydeburks" <clydeburks@comcast.net>, "durhamjo" <durhamjo@wmni.net>, "Eva McIntire" <evamcintire@comcast.net>, "harry kelley" <hawk5@mchsi.com>, "hata2dl8y" <hata2dl8y@juno.com>, "John Smith" <satchel64@comcast.net>, "judyandbree" <judyandbree@comcast.net>, "margaret kennedy" <MARGANN@peoplepc.com>, "Mildred Gallegos" <mildredgallegos@yahoo.com>, "Ron & Ina" <rnindhs@netzero.net>
Subject: Fw: The Job Applicant
Date: Sun, 17 Jul 2005 21:28:46 +0000

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We've made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same
qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've
decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions
correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the
job!"

The manager said: "We've made our decision not on the correct answers, but
rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the
other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down;
'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: to smile at

2005-08-01T08:12:00.000-04:00

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address! A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expectin g messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2004 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

----- Forwarded message from -----------

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address! A Minneapolis
couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20
years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into
the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to
his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in
Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a
minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow
decided to check her email expectin g messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son
rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer
screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2004 I know you're
surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to
send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I
see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking
forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Good info ....Recognizing a stroke is no joke

2005-07-26T17:41:00.000-04:00

FW: Recognizing a stroke is no joke
Subject: RECOGNIZING A STROKE

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3
hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He
said
the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed and getting to
the
patient within 3 hours which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE - A true story

Susie is recouping at an incredible pace for someone with a massive
stroke all because Sherry saw Susie stumble - - that is the key that
isn't mentioned below -and then she asked Susie the 3 questions. So
simple
- - this literally saved Susie's life - - Some angel sent it to
Suzie's
friend and they did just what it said to do. Suzie failed all three
so
then 9-1-1 was called. Even though she had normal blood pressure
readings and did not appear to be a stroke as she could converse to
some
extent with the Paramedics they took her to the hospital right away.

Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps. Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.

Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke
victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize
the
symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three
simple questions:

1. *Ask the individual to SMILE.

2. *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

3. *Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (ie . It
is
sunny out today) If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks,
call
9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could
identify
facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged
the general public to learn the three questions. They presented
their
conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last
February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt
diagnosis and
treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10
people, you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

BE A FRIEND AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH AS MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE,
you could save their lives.

Fwd: This is Why We're in Trouble!

2005-07-21T18:17:00.000-04:00

I know Mikey J is going to like these ...............

>> I have been a Travel Agent for thirty years. This is
> why we're in trouble! I had a New Hampshire
> Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair
> wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
>>
>>
> *********************************************************************
>>
>> I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted
> to go! to Capetown. I started to explain the length of
> the flight and the passport information, then she
> interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look
> stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
>>
>> Without trying to make her look like the stupid one,
> I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
> Capetown is in Africa,"Her response (click).
>>
>> * ***************
>>
>> A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a
> Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with
> the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
> ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
> possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
> He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and
> Florida is a very thin state!"
>>
>>
>> ******************
>>
>> I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is
> it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No."
> She said, "But they look so close on the map."
>>
>>
>> ******************************
>>
>> An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and
> asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled
> up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour
> layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to
> rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big
> airport, and we will need a car to drive between the
> gates to save time."
>>
>>
>> ************************
>>
>> An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She
> needed to know how it was possible that her flight
> from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at
> 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour
> ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the
> concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane
> went very fast, and she bought that!
>>
>>
>> ************************
>>
>> A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines
> put your physical description on your bag so they know
> whose luggage belongs to whom?"
>>
>> I said, "No, why do you ask?"
>>
>> She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
> airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT),
> and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?"
>>
>> After putting her on hold for a minute while I
> 'looked into it' ( I was actually laughing) I came
> back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is
>> (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a
> destination tag on her luggage.
>>
>>
>> ************************
>>
>> A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip
> package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info,
> she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California
> and then take the train to Hawaii?"
>>
>>
>> **********************
>>
>> I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman
> who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I
> asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
> "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these
> darn planes have numbers on them."
>>
>>
>> **********************
>>
>> A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to
> Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those
> little computer planes?" I asked if she meant, fly to
> Pensacola, Florida on a commuter plane. She said,
> "Yeah, whatever!"
>>
>>
>> **********************************
>>
>> A senior Senator called and had a question about the
> documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a
> lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him
> that he needed a visa.
>>
>> "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and
> never had to have one of those." I double checked and
> sure enough, his stay required a visa.
>>
>> When I told him this he said, "Look, I'v! e been to
> China four times and every time they have accepted my
> American Express!"
>>
>>
>> **********************
>>
>> A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make
> reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New
> York."
>>
>> The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
> agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the
> town?"
>>
>> " Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
> After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm
> sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the
> country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
>>
>> The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone
> knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured
> a map of the state of New York and finally
> offered,"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
>>
>> "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.
>>
>>
>> Now you know why Government is in the shape that
> it's
>
>
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________
> Start your day with Yahoo! - make it your home page
> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs
>
>
>

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Retirement

2005-07-21T17:58:00.000-04:00

FW: RetirementNew twist on the retirement idea .... like this one, especially at
the end!

NRETIREMENT

About 2 years ago my friend and I were on a cruise through the western
Mediterranean aboard a Princess Liner.

At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand
stairway in the main dining room. I also notice that all the staff, ships
officers, waiters, busboys, etc. all seemed very familiar with this lady.

I asked our waiter who the lay was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but
he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back
to back. As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped
to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship
for the last four cruises".

She replied, "Yes, that's true."

I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper
than a nursing home". So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I
get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average
cost for nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at
Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135
per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I can have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I
can have room service which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the
week.

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers
and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient, An extra $5 worth
of trips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.
7. T.V. Broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced?
No problem! The will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare: if you
fall break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the
rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best!

Do you want to see South America, The Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New
Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready
to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, if I want to call someone or
someone wants to talk to me just call ship to shore.

P.S. Don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

We can do anything we want if we stick to it long enough.
-- Helen Keller --

Fw: Money exchange

2005-07-21T17:44:00.000-04:00

Just thought you might like this one.Hay would you two like to come out here for vacation.If so I can help out big time and this is the time of year to do it.Peace

-------------- Forwarded Message: --------------
From: "Billie Gates" <waltandbillie@msn.com>
Cc: "Anna Stevenson" <annamstevenson@hotmail.com>, "Bob Johnson" <cashmeout2004@hotmail.com>, "Cecilia & Leroy" <Lecekas@cybertrails.com>, "cj1252" <cj1252@comcast.net>, "harry kelley" <hawk5@mchsi.com>, "Jan Amaral" <jamaral@dc.rr.com>, "John Smith" <satchel64@comcast.net>, "judyandbree" <judyandbree@comcast.net>, "Mildred Gallegos" <mildredgallegos@yahoo.com>, "Ron & Ina" <rnindhs@netzero.net>
Subject: Fw: Money exchange
Date: Wed, 20 Jul 2005 15:31:42 +0000

Subject: FW: Fwd: Money exchange
>
>
>
>
>
>An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American
>bank teller, "Why it change? Yestaday I get two hunnet dollar fo yen -
>today I get hunnet eighty?
>The bank teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian man says, "Fluc you white
>guys too!"

Subject: FW: Fwd: Money exchange

>An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American
>bank teller, "Why it change? Yestaday I get two hunnet dollar fo yen -
>today I get hunnet eighty?
>The bank teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian man says, "Fluc you white
>guys too!"

----- End forwarded message -----

Fw: History lesson

2005-07-18T21:36:00.000-04:00

----- Original Message -----

From: Marie Donahue

To: Nancy ; Lisa ; Kim ; Jimmy ; Helen Mitchell ; Gracie ; Cindy ; Brenda ; Barb Richards

Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 10:37 PM

Subject: Fw: too good not to share

----- Original Message -----

From: Keith Donahoe

To: Keith Donahoe ; Marie Donahue ; Heidi Gregg ; Marysha Fritz ; Val Downs

Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 6:55 AM

Subject: Fw: too good not to share

Sent: Tuesday, June 21, 2005 10:36 PM

Subject: too good not to share

Subject: History lesson
>>
>>
>>> The first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the
>>> son
>>> of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
>>>
>>> The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
>>> "Who
>>> said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
>>>
>>> She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
>>>
>>> "Patrick Henry, 1775."
>>>
>>> "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of
>>> the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the

>>> earth?"
>>>
>>> Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
>>>
>>> The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
>>> Pedro,
>>> who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you
>>> do!"
>>>
>>> She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
>>>
>>> "Who said that?" she demanded.
>>>
>>> Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
>>>
>>> At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
>>>
>>> The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
>>>
>>> Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
>>>
>>> Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
>>>
>>> Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
>>> teacher,
>>
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
>>>
>>> Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If
>>> you
>>> say anything else, I'll kill you!"
>>>
>>> Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
>>> Chandra
>>> Levy, 2001."
>>>
>>> The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
>>> floor,
>>> someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
>>>
>>> Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

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>>> earth?"
>>>
>>> Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
>>>
>>> The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
>>> Pedro,
>>> who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you
>>> do!"
>>>
>>> She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
>>>
>>> "Who said that?" she demanded.
>>>
>>> Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
>>>
>>> At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
>>>
>>> The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
>>>
>>> Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
>>>
>>> Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
>>>
>>> Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
>>> teacher,
>>
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
>>>
>>> Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If
>>> you
>>> say anything else, I'll kill you!"
>>>
>>> Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
>>> Chandra
>>> Levy, 2001."
>>>
>>> The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
>>> floor,
>>> someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
>>>
>>> Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: Life when they were growing up!!!]

2005-07-14T10:44:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message
LIFE IN THE 1500'S...not too different from when I was growing up!!!!!!

Interesting!

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to
be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

These are interesting...

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting
to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and
men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies. By
then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence
the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it
rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off
the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed
a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess
up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung
over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would
get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more
thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying
a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things
to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They
would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in
it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas
porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days
old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It
was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would
cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew
the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years
or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper
crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to
listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !

Educate someone...Share these facts with a friend

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: So You think you Know everything?........

2005-07-13T09:58:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message

So You think you Know everything?........

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back
of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches
2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would
never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an
average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building
is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and
"lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that
it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise
it will digest itself.
............Now you know everything

----- End forwarded message -----

Fw: Just in from dear friend Harvey

2005-07-10T13:20:00.000-04:00

----- Original Message -----

From: J Michael Kilburn

To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;

Sent: Sunday, July 10, 2005 6:00 AM

Subject: spam: Just in from dear friend Harvey

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you don't see him excited, make him a sandwich!

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies. . . not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

4. A slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars.

A substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.

3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

1. Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired Visas (some for as long as 10-15 years). At Blockbuster you're two days late with a video rental and those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of US immigration.

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you don't see him excited, make
him a sandwich!

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the
internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies. . . not really good for anything, but you
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

4. A slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars.

A substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.

3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

1. Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired Visas
(some for as long as 10-15 years). At Blockbuster you're two days late with a
video rental and those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in
charge of US immigration.

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: WORLD WAR III IS COMING

2005-07-08T18:00:00.000-04:00

UNFORTUNATELY TO TRUE.

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that

Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a

real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million

Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why

kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you

no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

----- End forwarded message -----

Re: FW: time for a funny

2005-07-07T23:34:00.000-04:00

>
> thot you'd like this one :) >
> Subject: FW: time for a funny
>
>
> _______________________________________________________________
> Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
>
> One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
> Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
> pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She
>
> swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
>
> When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
> she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as
> she now considered her to be mentally stable.
>
> When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
> news and bad news.
>
> The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
> rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
> of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays
> sound-mindedness.
>
> The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his
> bathroom
> with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
> he's died."
>
> Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.
> How soon can I go home?"
>
>
>
>
>

Fwd: Phrases from the old days

2005-07-05T02:09:00.000-04:00

>Things you probably did not know.
>
> >
> >All of these sound like they could be true!
> >
> >
> > In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was
> > either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington
> > showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while
> > others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were
> > not based on how many people were to be painted,
> > but by how many limbs were to be painted.
> >
> > Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer
>more.
> >
> > Hence the __expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
> >
> > As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year
> > (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their
> > heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could
> > afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to
>clean
> > them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and
> > bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy,
>hence
> > the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig"
> > because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
> >
> >
> > In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one
> > chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was
> > used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair
> > while everyone else ate sitting on the floor.
> >
> > Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in
> > this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important
> > and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man."
> > Today in business, we use the _expression or title Chairman" or
>"Chairman
> > of the Board"
> >
> > Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women
> > and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread
> > bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When
> > they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another
> > woman's face
> > she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax
> > would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." In addition, when they sat
> > too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . therefore, the _expression
> > "losing face."
> >
> > Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and
> > dignified woman, as in "straight laced". . . wore a tightly tied lace.
> >
> > Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax
> > levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of
> > Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards
>instead.
> >
> > Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be
> > stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."
> >
> > Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what
>the
> > people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or
> > radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs,
> > and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's
> > conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at
> > different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two
> > words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local
> > opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."
> >
> > At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized
> > containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and
>keep
> > the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was
> > drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term
> > "minding your "P's and Q's."
> >
> > One more: bet you didn't know this!
> >
> > In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters
>carried
> > iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was
> > necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent
> > them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a
> > square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on
> > nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls
> > could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was
>only
> > one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling
>from
> > under the others.
> >
> > The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round
> > indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls
> > would quickly rust to it.
> >
> > The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass
> > Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and
> > much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature
> > dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the
>iron
> > cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite
> > literally, "Cold enough to
> > freeze the balls off a brass monkey." (All this time, you thought that
> > was an improper __expression, didn't you.)
> >
> > You must send this fabulous bit of historic knowledge to unsuspecting
> > friends. If you don't, your floppy is going to fall off your hard drive
> > and kill your mouse.

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Just for your information.......

2005-07-01T08:10:00.000-04:00

Now isn't this the truth!

To all my California friends!

Do you know what happened in 1850?

California became a state.
The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had
real boobs.

Now isn't this the truth!

To all my California friends!

Do you know what happened in 1850?

California became a state.
The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had
real boobs.

Fwd: Something you might not know!

2005-06-25T08:35:00.000-04:00

True or False, I am sure one of my buddies who has more time to check it out will confirm it's authenticity, in

any case makes for a reasonable explanation of where the SHIT really began ..... meanwhile I am going to blithely

send this on !!!!!

One wonders if this is true. Guess it could be bonifide.

>>Subject: Something you might not know!
>>
>>Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
>>transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's
>>invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry,
>>because in dry form it weighed a lot less
>>than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became
>>heavier,
>>but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is
>>methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see
>>what
>>could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the
>>first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several
>>ships were destroyed in this manner before it was
>>determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure
>>were always stamped with the
>>term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow
>>it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the
>>hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the
>>production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In
>>Transport)
>>which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very
>>day. You probably did not know the true history of this word.
>>Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term
>

----- Forwarded message from

True or False, I am sure one of my buddies who has more time to check it out
will confirm it's authenticity, in
any case makes for a reasonable explanation of where the SHIT really began .....
meanwhile I am going to blithely
send this on !!!!!

One wonders if this is true. Guess it could be bonifide.

>>Subject: Something you might not know!
>>
>>Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
>>transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's
>>invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry,
>>because in dry form it weighed a lot less
>>than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became
>>heavier,
>>but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is
>>methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see
>>what
>>could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the
>>first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several
>>ships were destroyed in this manner before it was
>>determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure
>>were always stamped with the
>>term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow
>>it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the
>>hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the
>>production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In
>>Transport)
>>which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very
>>day. You probably did not know the true history of this word.
>>Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term
>

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Moon message

2005-06-25T08:32:00.000-04:00

----- Forwarded message
>
>
> "NAVAJO MESSAGE TO THE MOON"
>
> When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it
> took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in
> Arizona for training.
>
> One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the
> space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who
> spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
>
> His son translated for the NASA people: "What are
> these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the
> astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to
> the moon. When his son relayed this comment the
> Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would
> be possible to give to the astronauts a message to
> deliver to the moon.
>
> Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw
> one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts
> said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling
> to get a tape recorder.
>
> The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were
> brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would
> translate what his father had said. The son
> listened to the recording and laughed uproariously.
> But he refused to translate.
>
> So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo
> village and played it for other members of the
> tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also
> refused to translate the elder's message to the
> moon.
>
> An official government translator was summoned.
> After he finally stopped laughing the translator
> relayed the message:
>
> "WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO
> STEAL YOUR LAND."
>

----- End forwarded message -----

Fw: This will make you ill

2005-06-25T08:28:00.000-04:00

Now they have done it.

----- Original Message -----

From: Micky

To: Lynn Devaux

Sent: Thursday, June 23, 2005 7:10 PM

Subject: This wuill make you ill

THIS IS THE TRUTH

The supreme court just passed a "Federal Law" of Eminent Domain. They the government can now take your property, paying you a fair amount, the reason is that the property will be used for the betterment of the community

This should ruin your evening as it did mine

The only out is you can complain tot he state ( a lot of good that will do you)

Micky

Now they have done it.

----- Original Message -----

THIS IS THE TRUTH
The supreme court just passed a "Federal Law" of Eminent Domain. They the
government can now take your property, paying you a fair amount, the reason is
that the property will be used for the betterment of the community
This should ruin your evening as it did mine
The only out is you can complain tot he state ( a lot of good that will do you)

----- End forwarded message -----