Fwd: RetroSexual?

----- Forwarded message from ciggi@insightbb.com -----
Date: Mon, 07 Mar 2005 13:43:04 -0500
From: DJ Bob
Reply-To: ciggi@insightbb.com
Subject: RetroSexual?
To: ciggi@insightbb.com

RetroSexual?

Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no
more.
Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing
about,
redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and
"feng shui."
Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual, non-sexual;
blue, green,
and purple-sexual-bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban
world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!"
I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the
Retrosexual movement.

The RetroSexual CODE :

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term
only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or
a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you
live, but how well.
If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an
endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years
old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need
be.
This falls under the "Dealing With IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women.
Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to
you
becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress
such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak
treechipper accident,
favorite sports team being moved to a different city, or favorite bird dog
expiring, etc.
You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay enough
attention to you.
Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY
a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a
nail,
or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be
rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled
with fear,
guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just
plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of
them
have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are
sometimes
a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or
throwing the remote control.
Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death
of a loved one,
death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major
body part.

A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that
refers to
some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey),
or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include
any
of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days),
Zulu, Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface,
The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III,
Full Metal
Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie,
Apocalypse Now,
Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club,etc .

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
pregnant woman,
hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to
that woman, then
looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a
disgusted "you punks" look on
his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct
emphasis
and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand,
but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable
manliness decline he
suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship - i.e.,
hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all
over or driving
under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a
plow berm.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any
elderly person
or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt) NOTE: The person
in military
dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the
offer to them and
thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough.
He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other
person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the
process
of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!!!!

Oh, and no Retrosexual ever sends an email that says "send this to 5 people
and you will have a great day"
or that you will get $10,000 dollars from Microsoft for forwarding this
email, BECAUSE A REAL RETROSEXUAL
ISN'T A WUSS OR THAT DAMN STUPID!!!!!!

----- End forwarded message -----

--
curtis m carlson
www.blog.cmcarlson.com
http://forward-humor.blogspot.com
www.cmcarlson.com
1616 Ballou Rd.
Floyds Knobs, Indiana USA
47119
(812) 945-8426

"No crime is greater than the repression of man's nature either by oneself or
by someone else." - Mao -

"sucess very often consists in a final persistence" --Chinese saying

"man can be destroyed but cannot be defeated" --Hemingway

"Try to learn something about everything and everything about something".
Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895); English zoologist.