Fwd: (SENILITY )

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SENILITY

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to
endorse a check. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer
and tries to write with it.   She looks up at the teller, pauses for a
moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just
great.....Some ass hole's got my pen."

***************

Reporters
interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.   She simply replied, "No peer
pressure."

************

The nice thing about being senile is you
can hide your own Easter eggs.

************

Just before the
funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"   "98," she replied. "Two years older than
I."  "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth
going home is it?"

***********

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2
By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that  make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands
and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my
friends.  But.....face=Arial color=#000000 size=5 BACK="#ffffff" PTSIZE="18"
FAMILY="SANSSERIF">Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license! And they
can't take it away from me!! HA! HA!style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffffff" face=Arial color=#000000 size=4 BACK="#ffffff"
PTSIZE="14" FAMILY="SANSSERIF">

************

A 97 year old man
goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."


"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is
all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.
"That's why I want it lowered!"

************

An elderly woman
from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her Rabbi she had two final
requests.  First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over Walmart.    "Walmart??" the rabbi exclaimed.
"Why Walmart?"    "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice
a week."

SENILITY

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches into
her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She
looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she
says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some ass hole's got my pen."

***************

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No
peer pressure."

************

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

************

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years
older than I." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded,
"Hardly worth going home is it?"

***********

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or
92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida
driver's license! And they can't take it away from me!! HA! HA!

************

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my
sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all
in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
lowered!"

************

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her
Rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart??" the rabbi
exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: to funny

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her
rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station
just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas
to start the car and drive to the station for a fill-up. The attendant
regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been lent out, but
if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to
the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the
patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with
gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If that car
starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"

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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had
been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage, a little monkey came out of the
brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey
and said, "Boy, how I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down and gave a
little monkey yell.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down and made his noises.
"Well, did you see this?"
The monkey nodded his head.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded.
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"Oh, they were smoking pot?"
The monkey nodded.
"What else, anything?"
The monkey motioned two people kissing.
"They were making out too?" asked the astounded officer.
Yes, nodded the monkey.
"Now wait just a minute. You're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and
making out before they wrecked?"
The monkey nodded again.
"And just what were you doing during all this?"
The monkey held up his hands like he was holding a steering wheel and made
little vroom vroom noises.

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Q. Do you know the difference between bacon and eggs and a blowjob?
A. No?
Reply: Let's have breakfast!

----- End forwarded message -----