Concearning 'Fwd' Emails (serious)

http://forward-humor.blogspot.com

Dear Friends, I have for years now recieved and emailed many many 'Fwd:' emails. I have, for quite some time been concearned about the bandwidth and time consumed reading these emails and forwarding them. I have spent much time forwarding these to friends and lists, and do not mind recieveing these emails. I do realize that many of you have felt compelled for one reason or another to do the same. I have chosen for time and bandwidth's sake to now allow 'blogger' to host all my forwarded e-mails in 'Blog' format.

Please do not feel that I do not love you anymore because I do not clog your email account with worthless crap. I will still occasionally send out notices of recent postings so that you can peruse at your lesiure, those Gawdauful 'Fwd:' messages. I encourage you to continue to keep me on you 'Fwd:' email list, cause I do so enjoy them.

I will do my best to be a equal oppertunity forwarder, and not discriminate what is posted. I would encourage you not to forward porn or religious content, but that would go against my primary premis. That premise being the blogging of all my recieved 'Fwd" messages.

http://forward-humor.blogspot.com

Thanks for your patience and patronage.
curtis m carlson

http://forward-humor.blogspot.com

-- curtis m carlson
www.cmcarlson.com/blog/
www.cmcarlson.com
1616 Ballou Rd.
Floyds Knobs, Indiana USA 47119
(812) 945-8426

"No crime is greater than the repression of man's nature either by oneself or by someone else." - Mao -

Welcome to Fwd: because I am tired of forwarding e-mails

Well, here it is. The blog that will now be the recipient of all my forwarded emails. Enjoy.

Fwd: Fw: More new words from my twin brother

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

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2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.


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3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.


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4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending all day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die in the end.


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5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles


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6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something in a Cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
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7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.


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8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with
the kids.


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9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.


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10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.


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11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.


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12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not)
was a prime example.


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13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again


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14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.


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15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the WWW error message "404 Not Found,"
meaning that the requested document could not be located.


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16. GENERICA: Features of American landscape... are exactly the same no matter
where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.


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17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've
just made a BIG mistake.


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18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.


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19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube
Farm...



----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fwd: Educational Class for Today ...

> How to say 'I love you' in 22 languages.....
>
>
> English
> I Love You
>
> Spanish
> Te Amo
>
> French
> Je T'aime
>
> German
> lch Liebe Dich
>
> Japanese
> Ai Shite Imasu
>
> Italian
> Ti Amo
>
> Chinese
> Wo Ai Ni
>
> Swedish
> Jag Alskar
>
> Alabama
> Arkansas
> Oklahoma
> TEXAS
> NORTH CAROLINA
> South Carolina
> Georgia
> Tennessee
> Mississippi
> Louisiana
> Virginia
> West Virginia
> Kentucky
> &parts of FLORIDA
>
> Nice Ass, Get in the truck !!!
>
>
>

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Funny/Corny

These are really bad .... but funny


> > 1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.

> > The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

> >

> > 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

> > One says, "I've lost my electron."

> > The other says, "Are you sure?"

> > The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

> >

> > 3. A jumper cable walks into a bar.

> > The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

> >

> > 4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

> >

> > 5. A sandwich walks into a bar.

> > The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

> >

> > 6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

> >

> > 7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

> > "A beer please, and one for the road."

> >

> > 8. Two cannibals are eating a clown.

> > One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

> >

> > 9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

> > "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

> > "Is it common?"

> > Doc says, "It's not unusual."

> >

> > 10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field.

> > Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

> > "I don't believe you," said Dolly.

> > "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

> >

> > 11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

> > The kids were nothing to look at either.

> >

> > 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,

> > "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

> > "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

> > So he picks the dog up, examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

> > Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

> > "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

> > "No, because he's really heavy."

> >

> > 13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't

> > find any.

> >

> > 14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he

> > couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

> > He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

> >

> > 15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

> >

> > 16. What do you call fish with no eyes? Fsh.

> >

> > 17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

> >

> > 18. A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer"

> > The bartender says, "For you, no charge".

> >

> > 19. A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches

> > in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

> > She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake,

> > she says, "Well that's great . . . just great . . . Some asshole's got my

> > pen."

> >

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: When Graphic Artists get bored

> I hope these come through.........really great. V

>
>



----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: New words

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas
from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

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2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.


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3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.


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4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.


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5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.


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6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


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7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.


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8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)


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9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.


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10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.


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11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.


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12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.


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13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.


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14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom
at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


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15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit
you're eating.


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16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: Big Brother

Unfortunately the truth of this is scary!!

http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: 911 p-l-e-a-s-e

I did find some chuckles here indeed ..........

Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not, but they are all true!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on
the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table
and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of
it


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?

! Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a
turkey? I've never cooked one before.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their
trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?Caller: Well, I've spent
the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you
think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven
on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller:&nb! sp; Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!


And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.







----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Scotsman

A Scotsman, planning a trip
to the Holy Land, was aghast
when he found it would cost
fifty dollars an hour to rent
a boat on the Sea of
Galilee.


"Hoot mon," he said, "in
Scotland it wouldna ha' been
more than $20."


"That might be true," said
the travel agent, "but you
have to take into account
that the Sea of Galilee is
water on which our Lord
himself walked."


"Well, at $50 an hour for a
boat," said the
Scotsman, "it's no wonder he
walked!"

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: Math

Last week I purchased a veggieburger for $1.58. The counter girl took my
$2.08, but she stood there holding the nickel and 3 pennies while looking at
the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to
just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried
to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this? Please read more about the "history of teaching
math":

Teaching Math In 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990 By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong
answers.)

Teaching Math In 2005 El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La
cuesta de production es........








----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: Hole in the fence

Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence!


There once was a little girl who had a bad temper. Her mother gave her a
bag of nails and told her that every time she lost her temper, she must hammer
a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the girl had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next
few weeks,! as she learned to control her anger, the number of nails hammered
daily gradually dwindled down. She discovered it was easier to hold her temper
than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the girl didn't lose her temper at all. She told
her mother about it and the mother suggested that the girl now pull out one
nail for each day that she was able to hold her temper.
The days passed and the young girl was finally able to tell her mother that!
all the nails were gone. The mother took her daughter by the hand and led her to
the fence. She said, "You have done well, my daughter, but look at the holes in
the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger,
they leave a scar just like this one. " You can put a knife in a person and
draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is
still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you
to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want
to open their hearts to us.
Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a
FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you.
If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
Happy Friendship week! You are my friend and I am honored. Now send this
to every friend you have!! And to your family.
Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole in your fence

Fwd: Fw: THE WAVE (keep it going)]

Subject: Fw: THE WAVE (keep it going)]





The Wave ----- keep it going


Just wanted to say Hi,
AND HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY!








----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: victorias oldest secret.jpg

And who said the Golden years?

----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: DEAR ABBY, funny

DEAR ABBY,

My husband has a long record of money problems & runs up huge credit card
bills. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but
already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of
them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has
been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious in a big way, although I don't quite
understand it. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with
people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ. And now he has been going to the
gym an awful lot and is into wearing uniforms and cowboy outfits, and I hate
to think what that means.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the
same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly
creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost in DC

DEAR LOST:
Stop whining, Laura. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of
us are stuck with the asshole for four more years!



----- End forwarded message -----

Little Chicken Chicken

I like all the funny stories. They made me laugh my head off. In return I'd like
to tell you a story:
One day, a little pig, a little rabbit and a little chicken met beside a forest.
the little pig said:"These days pet name is very popular. People like addressing
each other with pet names. So from now on you'd better call me Little Pig Pig."
"OK," the little rabbit said, "then you must call me Little Rabbit Rabbit."
Hearing these, the little chicken said:"I'm sorry, I have something esles to
do. I have to go now." With that it hurried away.

You may feel puzzled. What's funny with this. Let me tell you. In China, Little
Chicken Chicken (Pinyin: Xiao Ji Ji) means a boy's pissing tool. Then you know
why the little chicken hurried away.
Ha Ha!

Best wishes to you!
Your friend

Fwd: [Fwd: [Fwd: To hyphenate or NOT to hyphenate?]]

Fwd: Fw: Hugs

This is so cool. I hope it animates for you too!




( INSTANTLY, WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS PAGE, YOU MUST SEND IT TO AT LEAST 10 PEOPLE,
INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU.)

*Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug*
*Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug*
*Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug*
*Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug*
*Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug*

You have just been hugged!!
That's right, there's no getting out of it this time!! This is the start of a
full-scale Hug O' War! So hug everyone you know!!!


Hug your friends, your enemies, everyone!! With all the other forwards out
there, I thought this would be a good one to start. The hug is my favorite sign
of affection. It can mean so much, and so many things at the same time. It can
be a sign of love, friendship, comfort or anything.

So here you go.
All I can say it will do is brighten someone's day. I mean, we all need a hug
once in a while. So send this on if you'd like, to anyone who may need a hug,
and (I hope you will) send it back to me!!!

Goodness knows, we could all REALLY use a hug sometimes.





----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: Men are from Mars & Men are from ????

-----


How To Shower Like a Woman:

a.. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
b.. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the
mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
c.. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
d.. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair
with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
e.. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red.
f.. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
g.. Rinse conditioner off hair.
h.. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
i.. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.
j.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
k.. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
l.. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.If
you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER IF YOU'RE A MAN
a.. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
b.. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
c.. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
d.. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
e.. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
f.. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
g.. Fart and chuckle at how loud it sounds in the shower.
h.. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
i.. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
j.. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
k.. Pee.
l.. Rinse off and get out of shower.
m.. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.
n.. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
o.. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
p.. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
q.. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
r.. Throw wet towel on bed.
Is there anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this?



----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: BUMPER STICKERS YOU CAN'T BUY....Some of may make you think about their message

BUMPER STICKERS YOU CAN'T BUY.














































----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: Bubba's Sister

Bubba's pregnant sister is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall
into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no
longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies
are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong
about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."




----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: Once a Baptist, Always a Baptist

Once a Baptist, Always a Baptist
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big
juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.
This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood
men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was
tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it
anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over
and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest
sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were
raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was
resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around.. The first Friday of
Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to
their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he
had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with
a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the
grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a
fish."






----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: 30 years...

-----

What a difference 30 years can make!


1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair


1975: KEG
2005: EKG


1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux


1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to California because it's warm


1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage


1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM


1975: The Grateful Dead
2005: Dr. Kevorkian


1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint


1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones


1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system


1975: Disco
2005: Costco


1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test


1975: Whatever
2005: Depends


AND....just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together
a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's
incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
a.. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1986.
b.. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
c.. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
d.. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
e.. The CD was introduced the year they were born.
f.. They have always had an answering machine.
g.. They have always had cable.
h.. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
i.. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
j.. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
k.. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
l.. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
m.. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
n.. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
Camel", or
"de plane Boss! , de plane".
o.. They do not care who shot J. R and have no idea who J. R. even is.
p.. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
q.. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of you who have trouble
reading.






----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: Chinese Sex Therapist

Just couldn't pass up the opportunity to share an excerpt from a recent
issue of the Chinese Therapist Digest Weekly..... Helena

Subject: Chinese Sex Therapist

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong
with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known
Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your
crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery,
reery
fass to odderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said,

"OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly "Your probrem vewy bad. You
haf
Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or
dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face
look Ed Zachary like your butt."

Fwd: Fw: Investment tips ;-) (curte)

Investment tips for 2005.... for all of you with any money left, be aware
of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and
make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2005.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.
Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.


2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.


3..) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
MMMGood.


4.. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.


5.. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.


6.. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.


7.. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.


8.. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!


9.. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang





----- End forwarded message -----

Fwd: Fw: The Cruise (cute/dirty)

THE CRUISE

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for
himself and his lady friend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations
were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do. A
couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a
three-day cruise.

The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it.
He then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a
five-day cruise.

The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!", and returned to the same pharmacy to
buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was
delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.

The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for
three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not
trying to pry. . . but, if it makes you sick, .......... why do you keep doing
it?"





----- End forwarded message -----

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----- Original Message -----

From: href="mailto:waltandbillie@msn.com">Billie Gates

Sent: Tuesday, January 25, 2005 10:47 AM

Subject: Fw: The Cruise

 

style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; CURSOR: auto; FONT-FAMILY: Arial" width="100%">   THE CRUISE   A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.    The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise.   The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it. He then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.   The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise.   The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!", and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.   The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.   The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore.  He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.    The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . . but, if it makes you sick, .......... why do you keep doing it?"

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Who says Canadians have no sense of humor? (cute)